Nancy Botwin: You listen, you stay away from my customer base, you don’t deal to kids.
Josh Wilson: They’re too young to bleed, they’re too young for weed, no grass on the field no grass will they yield.
Nancy Botwin: You’re a poet.
Josh Wilson: You know it.
Andy Botwin:
[to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I’m not going to
beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body’s changing – it’s all
good, believe me. Problem now is… every time we jerk the gerkin, we
get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right.
So… First order of business – no more socks. They’re expensive,
gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to
yourself, “But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I
can’t spew it into Mr. Sock?” Glad you asked… You can have a lovely
time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning – that eliminates the
need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation’s fun, so
unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we’re gonna need some
other options. So let’s start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly
acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and
dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head
like a fuckin’ band-aid – ouch. From there we move on to more
lubricated flack-catchers – specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the
banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start
pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not
too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit,
butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my
opinion, the best lube… is lube. So save your allowance and invest in
some soon. Alright, moving on – when you tug your Thomas on the toilet
- ffft – shoot right into the bowl. In bed – soft t-shirt, perhaps a
downy hand towel of your very own that you don’t mind tossing after
tossing. There’s no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love
too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also,
practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you’re a
solo artist – you’ll be playing some long, happy duets in the future.
Ok – class dismissed.
[Shane gets up to walk away]
Andy Botwin: Hey!
[tosses Shane a banana]
Andy Botwin: . Homework.
Doug Wilson:
It’s a weed wonderland, Nancy. It’s like Amsterdam only you don’t have
to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.
Andy Botwin:
Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to
learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with
this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my
dick with her little hand it looked gigantic.
Celia Hodes: Is it true what they say? That once a white woman’s been with a carpenter she never goes back?
Conrad Shepard: Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.